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“I give you a no bs guarantee” – Chicago Craigslist, 11/10/2010 « OK, Get Serious!
Nov 10, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“I give you a no bs guarantee” – Chicago Craigslist, 11/10/2010

Age: 29
Category: Men Seeking Women

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NOTE FROM YOUR FRIENDLY SITE ADMIN: I know this post is long, but I felt the need to include the original online dating ad in its entirety in order to fully demonstrate what an asshole this guy is. He also posted his picture. He’s an average-looking guy with a full beard and glasses; looks kind of like a slimmer, slightly better looking version of Zach Galifianakis (“Due Date,” “The Hangover”).
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“Through my dealings with the fairer sex throughout my life, I have become completely disillusioned with females (all people really, but I’m not trying to date guys) and have now resorted to the internet in an effort to find one that I can at least tolerate for extended periods of time.

You want to know about me? I’ll tell you what I’m not.

1) I am not your father. I will not tolerate childish bullshit when you don’t get your way and I will not throw money at you to shut you up.

2) I am not your hobby. That’s why you have friends. This road goes both ways though, and you’re not expected to join me on any trips you don’t want to. I’ve got friends for that too.

3) I am not someone who puts the toilet seat down after I urinate. You’re a big girl now and if you can’t be bothered to so much as look at where you’re about to park your ass, you deserve the cold embrace of toilet water (and god help anyone around you on the road).

Here’s where we get to you. As a staunch rationalist, I realize you’re probably every bit as bitter with men as I am with your cunty compatriots, possibly having almost given up on us. My (admittedly weak) theory is you have not yet lost all hope but have simply turned to a less social lifestyle and are casually perusing the Craigslist personals just waiting for my ad to pop up so we can end our days in perpetual bliss or whatever storybook bullshit those cookie cutter girls get off on.

I am not an extremely picky guy. Being my dream girl is more a matter of the things you aren’t than the things you are.

My ideal woman

-when asked about her hobbies, has more to say than, “Like, you know, stuff,” or the always popular “shopping, hanging out, music, friends.”

-can think outside her own head and understand that while her wants and needs are her priority (and there’s nothing wrong with that), those around her have their own desires.

-takes care of herself to some degree. We can’t help certain aspects of our appearance, but if you don’t bathe regularly and have eaten yourself fat it demonstrates a fatal lack of respect for yourself that one would expect to bleed into other aspects of your behavior.

If you’ve read this much crap and are actually interested, we might just stand a chance. Send me an email that makes me think, laugh, or hope.

For the love of a God in which I don’t even believe, just someone show me you’re not all the same.”

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Sir, you are a douchebag. Let me count the ways.

1.) Hey dude, here’s a newsflash for you: Your outcomes are the result of your own behavior and choices. If you’re disappointed with your dating and relationship experiences with females – and it sounds like it is a pattern – guess what the one common denominator is? YOU, fuckwad.

2.) If you’re trying to make some sort of statement by telling her you’re not going to put the toilet seat down, you are. You’re saying “I’m the type of guy who would rather argue rights and virtues over stupid petty garbage than actually be a gentleman and do something painless that takes me an extra 3 seconds.”

3.) You are already the type of person who is disillusioned not only with women, but people in general. Yeah, women find that REAL attractive. Every girl wants to date “Don Rickles, The Sequel.” Moron. Actually, they’d probably rather date Don Rickles. He’s funny. And rich, and will die sooner than you.

4.) Call me crazy, but calling your potential date’s friends or even acquaintances “cunty compatriates” is probably not going to win hearts and minds. Or the object of your chosen adjective, for that matter.

5.) You sound like you need to get laid. Hopefully by a really offended and angry woman who fakes her way into your bedroom with false compliments and interest, then proceeds to tie you down, call you degrading names and invade your ass with a punishing, oversized dildo. But then again, you might like that, at least she wouldn’t be your typical girl, right?

6.) This is not related to any particular point of your ad, but your whole ad and most likely the rest of your life: YOU. ARE. AN. ASSWIPE.

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