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One Shy of a Six Pack « OK, Get Serious!
Browsing articles in "One Shy of a Six Pack"
Aug 16, 2010
zoeyy1313

“Tattooed, smokin, drinkin chillin type of girl”- Chicago Craigslist, 08/16/10

Age:  20
Category: Women Seeking Men

“im not looking to put too much about me on craigslist. but if you email me i will tell you much more. i am 20. have many tats. tan.. naturally. lots of fun. open to many things. smoke and drink. looking for a guy.. 19-26 id say.. has to be a cool nice guy. not a jerk or meathead. like me for me. dont try and change me. looking for many types of guys.. sorry not interested in everybody!! but i dont just judge by looks. send me a pic and something about yourself and i’ll tell you much more!!

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Well if the title of this ad isn’t enough to make you click that big red “x” in the upper right corner of your screen allow me to go on. If this girl ever finds her match, I can just picture their first date now. It starts with a quick stop at the drive through smoke shop for a carton of cigarettes that more than likely won’t even last through the night. Then on to getting stewed off ofa 30 pack of PBR. Finally, matching tramp stamps at some dive of a tattoo shop. Oh yea, definitely a match made in trailer park heaven.

Aug 13, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“BORED!!!!” – Chicago Craigslist, 08/13/2010

Age: Not given
Category: Men Seeking Women

“I am bored at work and will be at home later. Come over and hang out with me.”

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I have a lame job and no ambition to find another one or move up in the company. I never go out and do anything. Come over and eat frozen pizza with me and my disheveled hair, boxer shorts and not-quite-right “did he shower today?” aroma that you can’t exactly distinguish from the pizza. We’ll watch reruns of “Walker, Texas Ranger” and when we get bored we can screw on the unmade futon, as long as you’re on top, because I don’t really feel like moving.

Jul 2, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Visions and dreams” – Chicago Craigslist, 07/02/2010

Age: 31
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Gosh this is hard. Ok here goes. I am a good hearted woman,not hard to plz….I do not like a lier nor do i like a cheat,and i will not deal with one….i am a hard working single mother,,I love my kids more than anyone or anything they will always come 1st in my life no matter wat..and if i find a man I would like to be with he must except my kids as he excepts me understand its the hole package not just half and no i do not need no man to father or be a father to my kids they do have a daddy that loves them very much….i luv to watch movies and just chill i do not care for the fast life i do not have time for clubing and partying all da time I am a groan woman not a teenager dat wants to party my life away…..and a man must have a job i do not need or want another child to raise…I do not like to fight all of dat is uncalled for……. If I sound like someone you’re looking for, you’re more than welcome to email me back.

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Oh God, here we go. She posted her picture and she’s actually quite pretty, so I’m killing any opportunity for yours truly. But come on, you’ve got a spell checker on that computer, woman. Here comes the heckling:

“Gosh this is hard.  (That’s what SHE said!) Ok here goes. I am a good hearted woman,not hard to plz (later on you talk about not being a teenager, how about we don’t type in “text speak” then?) ….I do not like a lier (how about a liar who can spell?) nor do i like a cheat,and i will not deal with one….i am a hard working single mother,, (in what part of the English language did they ever teach you to use two consecutive commas?) I love my kids more than anyone or anything they will always come 1st in my life no matter wat (run on sentence – and seriously, you don’t know how to spell WHAT?)..and if i find a man I would like to be with he must except (accept…except isn’t a verb, brain stem) my kids as he excepts (aaaaaggghhh) me understand its the hole (ha ha ha, it’s the “hole” package…wow) package not just half and no i do not need no man to father or be a father to my kids they do have a daddy that loves them very much….i luv (again with the teenage text-speak) to watch movies and just chill (PERIOD…what’s up with the run-ons?) i do not care for the fast life i do not have time for clubing (what’s clubing?) and partying all da (okay, if you can’t say “the,” can you at least WRITE “the?”) time I am a groan woman (excellent…a “groan” woman that is the “hole” package) not a teenager dat (dat, dis, dese, dem, doze) wants to party my life away…..and a man must have a job i do not need or want another child to raise…I do not like to fight all of dat is uncalled for……. If I sound like someone you’re looking for, you’re more than welcome to email me back.

——> The only thing I don’t understand about that whole ad is that she got “you’re” correct.

Jul 2, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Do you think your boobs are too big?” – Chicago Craigslist, 07/02/2010

Age: 28
Category: Men Seeking Women

“I don’t. Bigger the better tighter the sweater. Love that line. haha.
Anyway, not sure if this should be on the casual section but here we go.
I’d like to meet a nice busty women tonight. I’m very serious.
If you’re a bigger woman with a really big bust and you ever thought about having a cute professional just sucking on your boobs,
I’m the guy for you. You’ll enjoy my company as I’m respectful, am a gentlemen, and just a cool guy!
I’m 28 5’10” live in downtown. Would love to meet tonight and no I’m not looking for sex, just want to appreciate a woman’s well endowed bosom.”

#############

I’m a respectful gentleman. Who wants to suck on your boobs.

What the…? Okay, if any of you women are desperate enough to entertain this guy’s offer, don’t forget your pepper spray. Seriously.

Jun 26, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Elmo today” – Phoenix Craigslist, 06/26/2010

Age: 35
Category: Men Seeking Women

“I have 3 extra tickets to the show at 2pm today. They are suite tickets.. Me and my girls are going they are 7 and 3. Interested in join us??”

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I want to be one of the muppet judges so I can heckle you for inviting some woman you’ve never met to a show with your very young children (I wonder how many years of therapy they’ll end up needing for THAT), and for having the lamest date idea of your life. Or probably anyone’s life. But at least you’re efficient; you can ruin three girls’ days at the same time.

Jun 26, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Vacation time!” – Phoenix Craigslist, 06/26/2010

Age: 26
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Hi there, Im here on vacations and i would like to know someone who can show me around..

If you are interested in knowing a little bit about me put some place we could go and i will reply at you!

have a good one!

Your pic gets mine!

J”

#############

When we meets, maybe we can go out to get something to eats and when you take me home I’ll kiss at you.

Jun 25, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“OMG Bored to tears. Please help!” – Chicago Craigslist, 06/25/2010

Age: 38
Category: Men Seeking Women

“Happy hour has left me high and dry! Coworkers have gone, family is out of town. What is there to do???”

#############

Oh, I don’t know. At 38 years old and whining about nothing to do on a Friday night, I’m guessing that working on something to make yourself successful is out of the question. “Waaaaaaaahhh, I’m bored mommy, come and entertain me!” Douchebag.

Jun 24, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

Texting after date – an eHarmony subscriber asks for dating advice, 05/27/2010

Age: Not given
Category: Love & Dating Advice

“I had a first date and thought it was going well. Then, at end of the date, she did not want to kiss goodnight and backed out of previously made plans.

Other than that, all other indications were that she was still interested, but those are two very big “ifs” as far as I am concerned.

Not being sure how to read things, instead of calling, I texted her the next day to say I had a good time, etc. I did not hear back.

Did I not hear back because the text was an insult or because she is just no longer interested?

#############

Dude. She freaking hates you. Knock knock, anybody home? Whoooooo.

Jun 23, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“I WANA PUT IT IN U” – Chicago Craigslist, 06/22/2010

Age: 30
Category: Casual Encounters (man seeking woman)

“Lookin 4 a lady 2 have adult fun with its been awhile n im so horny im bout 2 explode hit me back quick i need it hopfully its u!”

NOTE: This ad was complete with four pictures of our advertiser’s manhood.

#############

Maybe we can plug my ears, nose and mouth and you can blow into my dick to send some of this blood back up to my brain. I’ve obviously been oxygen deprived for a little too long here.

Jun 23, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Y IS IT SO HARD” – Chicago Craigslist 06/22/2010

Age: 23
Category: Casual Encounters (man seeking woman)

“Y is it so hard 2 find a girl that can chill and hav fun on these sites maybe sex aftr we get 2 kno each other I’m 23 Ima chef an nice thas it well talk if ur a big girl cool don b obese tho send a pic IM REAL NO SPAM an thas it”

#############

That’s what SHE said! Wait…no she didn’t.

Maybe your inability to fully spell out the word “why,” your sub-1st grade grammar skills, run-on sentences and schizophrenic requirements have something to do with it. Please, please sir, don’t procreate. You know those nature documentaries where the weak animal in the herd gets left behind and eaten by lions? Yeah, that’s you.

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