Warning: strpos() expects parameter 1 to be string, object given in /home/serious/public_html/wp-includes/functions.php on line 4148

Warning: strpos() expects parameter 1 to be string, object given in /home/serious/public_html/wp-includes/functions.php on line 4148

Warning: strpos() expects parameter 1 to be string, object given in /home/serious/public_html/wp-includes/functions.php on line 4148
OK, Get Serious!
Aug 13, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“BORED!!!!” – Chicago Craigslist, 08/13/2010

Age: Not given
Category: Men Seeking Women

“I am bored at work and will be at home later. Come over and hang out with me.”

#############

I have a lame job and no ambition to find another one or move up in the company. I never go out and do anything. Come over and eat frozen pizza with me and my disheveled hair, boxer shorts and not-quite-right “did he shower today?” aroma that you can’t exactly distinguish from the pizza. We’ll watch reruns of “Walker, Texas Ranger” and when we get bored we can screw on the unmade futon, as long as you’re on top, because I don’t really feel like moving.

Aug 13, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“10 Reasons to Reply” – Chicago Craigslist, 08/13/2010

Age: 37
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Ten Reasons why you should Respond to me:

Very cute
Intelligent
Down to Earth
Sexy Eyes
Great Lips
Perfect Chest
Curvy Body
Sweet
Sports Chic
A girl to date and a girl who is very flirty

Who wants to reply?”

##############

Guys who are into teases and liars. You’re either not “all that” and act like it because you’re a wannabe, or you know you’re the shit and you feel like making some guy want to sleep with you before you shut him down cold.

Jul 29, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Looks – Should They Matter for Her?” – eHarmony dating advice message board, 02/07/2010

Age: Not Given
Category: Dating Advice
Subject: “Looks…they matter for HIM should they matter for HER?”
Link: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/dating-advice/dating/36123-looks-they-matter-for-him-should-they-matter-for-her.html?cid=2091&aid=07211010

“My man can write me a love note like a Hallmark card, points out planets in the night sky, tells me he loves me everyday, makes me laugh, cares how my day went, is kind to my kids, has a nice secure job, would never look at another woman. This is what chemistry and long term relationships are about. Not whether he’s good looking or not. But the sexual attraction does need to be there as well, but again, that is not based on looks for me.”

#############

Right on, Cinderella. How worn are the pages of that fairy tale you’ve been reading every day for the vast majority of your lonely existence? I’m guessing you’ve had to duct tape that binder together more than once or twice.

Hallmark cards are nice sugary goodness for your fluffy fantasy world, but in the real world you might want your guy to be able to, I don’t know…write a check to pay a bill or leave you a note saying that he’ll pick your kid up at baseball practice after work.

But the Hallmark writing isn’t good enough for you, he has to be a walking, talking Hallmark card too. “I love you honey. Have I told you that I love you today? You’re so beautiful, at least I think you are, because it’s a little difficult to see you way up there on that pedestal I’ve placed you on.”

Your man would never look at another woman. Hang on a second, I’ll be right back….

HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Oh my god, thanks for the laugh. That’s brilliant. I haven’t heard a side-splitter like that for awhile.

Listen, woman – if your man isn’t gay, he looks at other women (and if he IS gay, you have other problems AND he looks at other men). Some have gotten good at the extremely-fast-check-out because they truly do love who they’re with, but every man appreciates physical beauty and is either good at looking or bad at looking, but oh baby he’s looking. Just because he appreciates another woman’s good looks doesn’t mean he’s going to nail her. Oh, he wants to. But it doesn’t mean he will. Contrary to your media-induced, DNA-challenged belief – if he’s looking but he’s still coming home and doing you, that is what is known as a Good Thing. Let me put it to you this way: If you’re dating or married to a guy who tells you he would never look at another woman, you should be more worried about how you ended up with a pathological liar.

He has a nice secure job? Is there such a thing as a secure job anymore? If he has a job that doesn’t make him want to shoot himself in the face, take that and be happy. If he has the ability to bounce back from losing a job to find another one, take that and be happy. If you and he can combine incomes to create a stable home and have a little money to go out once in awhile, go on a vacation once in awhile, and save a little – take that and be happy.

Secure job is an oxymoron. I know you hate harsh reality, but I’m trying to help you so you don’t end up in a cluttered, dusty 1-bedroom apartment alone with 16 cats and a bizarre mannequin that you dress up on holidays.

So, let me get this straight – he needs to be a comedian, an astronomer, a brilliant author, a mogul and a saint.

Yeah, you should be able to find that pretty easily, brain stem.

Based on your criteria, it’s painfully apparent that you have absolutely no clue what chemistry is about. I’m not so sure you have a clue what anything is about, but since you’re so good at writing fiction that you believe, I recommend politics.

Jul 26, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Asian Slut Wanted” – New York Craigslist, 07/26/2010

OK, I’m making this commentary first because this ad creeps me out and I can’t post it in all its glory. Did you ever wish you had the “swear beep” or whistle or some other sound effect to make what you’re reading more amusing than sickening? Since giving you a bunch of audio links to click on would probably be lame, you’ll just have to recreate the typed sounds in your head.

#############

Age: 37

Category: Men Seeking Women

“If you think this sounds creepy I apologize in advance. If this makes your (BEEEEP!!!) wet, then respond. Tall handsome hung white guy looking for an Asian woman who wants to be (AHOOGA!!!) by a big (BOYOYOIIINNG!!!).. I’m sure you are a very nice girl, and no one knows this about you, but what really gets your (BA-DA-BING!!!) wet is a gig strong white guy calling you a slut while you suck his (WHOOWHOOWHOO!!!) hard then beg him to (KA-CLANG!!!) your dripping wet (FWEEEEEEE!!!). I want to eat your (HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA!!!), get you super wet then (RINGADINGDING!!!) you. Clean and D&D free, condoms only. ”

married is cool.  (yeah, moron, you were right on with your first sentence…you just hit Creepy Defcon 1.)

Jul 26, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“up early who wants to take me to breakfast” – New York Craigslist, 07/26/2010

Age: 25
Category: Women Seeking Men

“cute sbf.. who is hungry and looking to meet someone new.. any takers?”

#############

This one is so ripe with innuendo that I can’t even bring myself to do it. Please, someone, help me out here. All non-spam comments will be approved….

Jul 26, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Girl who’s bad at working wants a sugar daddy” – New York Craigslist, 07/26/2010

Age: 25
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Hi there, yes, I am bad at working.

I was in college for six years trying to get a bachelor’s degree, but dropped out before completing my final year. However, I’m very intelligent, went to (** name of high school deleted to protect the romantically challenged **), got 1290 on the SAT’s. I am just bad at working, and– most of all–bad at getting a job. I have anxiety problems and hate going for job interviews. (I lose it with fear.) My anxiety disorder also contributed to me not finishing college. I missed a lot of classes.

I’ve concluded that the best thing for me to do is either marry rich, or find a hot guy who also doesn’t mind giving me money. If you sort of qualify, please email me. Consider me as sort of a house pet. I will clean your apartment, cook and do your laundry, and also offer affection and playful companionship. Hopefully we will fall in love.

I’m 5’5″ tall, 130 lbs, white, very pretty face, and have indiscreet tattoos. Email me to exchange non-nude photos.”

#############

I will be your 1290-SAT house pet, who will berate you for being intellectually inferior to me every time you don’t give me money. If you bring home the bacon, I’ll fry it up in the pan. And based on you paying me to nail me, hopefully we’ll fall in love before the cops bust us for soliciting and prostitution.

Jul 12, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Married women apply here” – Chicago Craigslist, 07/12/2010

Age: 26
Category: Men Seeking Women

“hi im looking for a discrete relationship i can host in the mornings im a hispanic good looking 420 friendly respectful if intrested let me know ill send pictures upon request put married in subject so i know ur real”

#############

I can’t spell and I have an aversion to punctuation. But I’ve got some weed and my wife is gone in the mornings, so “swing” on by. If you’re married too then I feel less guilty about being a philandering choad.

Jul 12, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Strange Request” – Chicago Craigslist, 07/11/2010

Age: 45
Category: Women Seeking Men

“This is a strange request I know. I’m looking for a home for my daughter and myself, I’m divorced 45 lady. I’m looking to find single man who needs some companionship, sex, someone to cook and clean, maybe childcare, or pet care in exchange for housing. Lets chat and see what we can work out.”

#############

Will sex for food and a room. I can even take care of your pet, if ya know what I’m sayin’, wink wink.

Jul 10, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

Snark from the Snarking Site Admin

Men and women alike, if you post that you are drama-free in your personal ad, you’re not.

Peace,
“OK, Get Serious!” Admin

Jul 10, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Rent a Husband / Contractor for the Day” – San Diego Craigslist, 07/10/2010

Bob the Builder Rent-a-HusbandAge: 54
Category: Men Seeking Women

“I am available for fixing anything that might need attention. Have you changed out the smoke detectors in your house. Do you have Carbon Monoxide Dectectors installed in your home,

How bout making the windows slide better or opening a stuck door. I can do yard work or haul things away that have been bugging you like forever.

Do you need a new light Hung, Do you need a toilet fixed or a leak stopped. I am a General Contractor and thought I would try to rent myself for a day.

Does your Bathroom need to be checked out or your celler need to be aired out, Let me know what you have in mind.

What ever other Husband task that might need attending to will all be addressed and your needs met with a smile… And at the end of the day i will go Home…

I am 6 foot 2 inch and am 215 pounds, White, Hazel eyes thank you for reading”

#############

Nice work there, Mr. Subliminal. (Does anyone remember Kevin Nealon doing that routine…hysterical.)

“I can fix anything that needs attention (if you know what I’m saying), do you need something Hung (with a capital “H”), Does your cellar need to be aired out (wink wink)? I will meet ALL your needs (ahem) with a smile. I can haul away things that have been bugging you like forever (like your actual husband). Bob the Builder has an Erector Set for you. “

Feed Miss Milky

Categories

Posts by Month