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OK, Get Serious!
Sep 8, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“finger me while I deepthroat you at the park” – Chicago Craigslist, 09/07/2011

Sexy girl faking a car breakdown

Age: 23
Category: Casual encounters women seeking men

“We’ll meet in the playground, you’ll finger me and maybe eat me out and I’ll go down on you, so deep, that you may cum immediately. I’m hot, 23, brunette and love to give head. Let’s meet at the park at <street 1> and <street 2>.  msg me on aim <user name obscured to protect the mindless> if you want to do this :)”

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I can’t wait to read about the mugging at this park in the police blotter tomorrow.

Aug 21, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“the simple things” – Portland Craigslist, 08/21/2011

Take my cracks

Age: 29
Category: Women Seeking Men

“I’m a straight forward, sincere, with a nice body. I’m trying to discover a guy to spend a bit of time with, and see if some thing happens. I have to have a guy with a love for life. I can be a little bit smart assed, I have to have a guy who can take my cracks.”

#############

Is anyone else as amused as I am that this girl claims to be smart assed, then says she wants a guy who can “take her cracks?”

Aug 3, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“It’s that time of the month…is this ok with you?” – Chicago Craigslist, 08/03/2011

Age: 29
Category: Casual Encounters w4m

“29 W female, and it’s that time of the month and i am so horny. Please be clean and disease free, age, race doesn’t matter”

#############
So, I have to be clean, but you’re going to bleed on anything I get near you. Got it.

Jul 11, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“10 Reasons to Date Me” – Atlanta Craigslist, 07/11/2011

Blue eyed redhead = Medusa?Age: 41
Category: Women seeking men

“1. I am attractive….but, only if I am your type 🙂

2. I have red hair, blue eyes and good curves….in all the right places 😉

3. I have my own home and a great job….not looking for any handouts.

4. I have a great sense of humor….sometimes a little sarcastic 🙂

5. I am intelligent….above average.

6. I am a great kisser….it is my thing 🙂

7. I am very honest….always.

8. I am fun, openminded and reliable….I do not shock easy!

9. I am a great cook….I like to experiment 🙂

10. I am white and single…and somewhat particular :)”

###########

And listen here, boy…if you like smiley faces and ellipsis, you’re going to LOVE me. 🙂 … 🙂 … 🙂 … 🙂 … 🙂

01. I’m attractive, but only if I’m your type…and you’re desperate…and your type is breathing.

02. I have a completely unshaven, unkempt, crab-infested red bush and a curvaceous stomach.

03. I have my own “hoarders” home and a great job at McDonald’s.

04. I have a great sense of humor. And I tell you this so you remember it when I go ballistic on your ass over something stupid.

05. I am intelligent…above average…for a warthog.

06. I am a great kisser…it is my thing. If your thing is being slobbered on and having my tongue forcefully jammed into your ears.

07. I am very honest…always. Like right now, when I’m telling you how attractive I am and what a great catch you’ll be getting. What? My nose always grows like this; it’s a medical condition.

08. I do not shock easy! But I do blanche pretty well.

09. I am a great cook…I like to experiment. On you. With items questionably defined as “food.”

10. I am white and single…and somewhat particular. I mean impossibly picky, bitchy and alone…but you’ll love me.”

Jun 26, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“La recherche du mâle français blanc célibataire à Chicago” – Chicago Craigslist, 06/26/2011

French Fattie

Age: 49
Category: Women seeking men

“Mon français n’est pas si bon mais j’ai le grand amour pour la culture. Je suis la femme professionnelle noire simple qui cherche le mâle simple qui a grandi en France pour la cour. Je ne suis pas une petite femme, pas une grande femme non plus, donc j’aime mes hommes avec un peu de viande sur leurs os. Si vous êtes sérieux, attachez s’il vous plaît une photo ET mettez les mots “j’aime vos yeux verts” dans le titre du texte. Je vous contacterai avec une photo. De nouveau, envoyez s’il vous plaît une photo et mettez “je m’aime vos yeux verts” dans le titre de votre note. Merci beaucoup.”

#############

Alright, it’s been decades since I took French, but here is the closest translation I can come up with on first read without going to the Google translator.

“My French isn’t good, but I have a great love for the culture. I am a simple, professional black woman who is looking for a simple man who can have a conversation in French tonight. I’m not a small girl, but a BBW, and I also like my men to have a little meat on their bones. If you’re serious, attach a picture AND put the words “I love your green eyes” in the subject. I will contact you with one photo. Again, please attach one photo and write “I love your green eyes” in the subject of your email. Thank you very much.”

Look lady, I don’t know whether you actually want to speak French or if you think this is a clever way of offering “French lessons,” but you’re not getting that fat ass anywhere near me.

Jun 25, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“let’s hang out” – Chicago Craigslist, 06/25/2011

Candy Van

Age: Not given
Category: Men seeking women

“anyone wanna go for drinks or food, or a drive or blah? Sat Night… Looks like rain…air’s a little cool..It’s about 730 pm..hmmmm”

###########

We’ll take a ride in my van. It’ll be fun. C’mon.

May 17, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

The Ten Commandments of Twitter

link to twitter

01. Twitter is a community, with many sub-communities. There are tools out there that can make managing multiple accounts, following, unfollowing, etc. much easier. However, there is no tool that substitutes actual human interaction. 60% – 70% of your timeline should be original material from you, but 30% – 40% should be @ replies and retweets. This shows that you’re actually engaged, not just dumping a whole bunch of content into a social media management tool and forgetting about it.

02. Gaining a good following takes time. Yes, you can sometimes build a list more quickly with automation. But to build a list of users who know and trust you, and who will actually heed calls-to-action you put out there, means you’re going to have to get involved. The list will grow steadily as long as you’re consistent. Once in awhile, an event will occur and someone will get thousands of followers overnight. Unless you’re a celebrity or accidentally witness a terrorist being taken out by Seal Team 6, don’t expect this to be you.

03. Stop begging, but joke about being needy. Repeatedly asking for more followers or retweets is a good way to get yourself blocked. Just say no. However, tweets like “I don’t think I’ve been retweeted since a meteor took out the dinosaurs” tend to generate goodwill and may actually get retweeted.

04. Autoreply has very limited, very specialized usage. A single autoreply DM welcome message is okay IF you have a large, high-activity account and if you aren’t promoting your website, products or services within it. Other autoreplies are frowned upon. Pretty fiercely, too.

05. Long conversations shouldn’t be held in the public forum. Most Twitter subscribers find this annoying.

06. Long conversations aren’t really made for DM either. Dude, got email? If you and another subscriber really want to have a conversation spread over dozens of 140-character messages, that’s your choice…it’s just usually not the choice most people seem to make.

07. Nobody likes a prude. Alright, not exactly nobody, but for the most part you should feel comfortable with quotes about body parts and a healthy helping of swearing in the Twitter community. Even if you joined just to follow inspirational timelines and bible quotes. Being irreverent is the societal norm on Twitter – it’s a different animal entirely than Facebook.

08. Good grammar is welcome. Chances are, you will get more “favorites” and retweets if you know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” “there,” “their” and “they’re.”

09. Grammar cops, however, are not welcome. If you want to lose a bunch of followers really quickly, start calling out individual users for their errant grammatical ways. Tweeting something generalized about grammar will probably get you laughs. Tweeting to mock someone’s grammar will probably get you blocked.

10. Insecurity is a virtue. Joke about it and people will follow you because they feel connected with you.

May 14, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“I will give your Feet a Massage and TLC You won’t Forget for Free” – Sacramento Craigslist, 05/14/2011

face footstool“I am a good looking man looking for Young Women/women who would like their feet massaged, worshipped, and use me as a footstool. If you are bored and would like some TLC for your feet then please email me. Besides loving feet, I am funny, witty, and fun to talk to. I do not deal with thrid party websites, so don’t bother. To prove your are genuine please tell me about yourslef and mention your shoe size. I promise that I will not dissapoint.”

#############

No, seriously, you won’t forget it for free. You’re going to pay your therapist a LOT of money to get over this experience.

Apr 19, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“HAPPY” – Chicago Craigslist 04/19/2011

large older womanAge: 58
Category: Women Seeking Men

“58 yrs young non smoker non drinker love to laugh, open communication, enjoy movies, dining out/in, family activities, getaway weekends, plays, outdoor concerts.”

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I’m not posting the actual pic that was included with this ad, but this “58 yrs young” woman looks like she’s about 80 and has six chins. Other than the “young” part, I’ll give her brownie points for truth in advertising and self confidence. Totally don’t understand it, but I’m an asshole. More power to her.

Apr 12, 2011
OK Get Serious Admin

“trap shoot? or crap shoot? (bbw)” – Milwaukee Craigslist, 04/10/2011

Outdoor GirlAge: 28
Category: Women seeking men

“cute, tall, and athletic plus-sized female in search of someone pretty awesome.

if you like:
saturday trips to Cabelas
Brewers games
grilling out
local watering holes
sporadic roadtrips
garden gnomes
weekends up north (boating, hunting, ice fishing, etc)
ridiculous movie nights

and you are:
tall
outgoing
laid back & spontaneous at the same time
not married, engaged, betrothed, in a relationship
non-smoking
honest

then we should definitely meet!

i know with Craigslist it’s a crap shoot….
but i’m hoping to meet someone that is willing to trap shoot!”

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Translated – If you like:

Trips to Cabelas = Restock ammo for the muzzle loader in my trailer

Brewers games = Someplace to take me where it’s normal to stuff my piehole with six bratwursts an hour

Grilling out = Keep feeding me

Local watering holes = Let’s get drunk and go shoot something

Sporadic road trips = To go get drunk and shoot something

Garden gnomes = I use them behind the trailer for target practice

Weekends up north (boating, hunting, ice fishing, etc) = Weekends where there’s no cell phone reception or police in case I decide to kill you

Ridiculous movie nights = I have the whole Charles Bronson collection

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