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OK, Get Serious!
Dec 4, 2010
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“No title” – Chicago Craigslist, 12/04/2010

Age: 46
Category: Men Seeking Women

“Normal, attractive, interesting SWM iso similar woman who enjoys wine, art, dining, 420 and kinky sex.”

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Let’s have Bordeaux at a ritzy gallery opening, then go get baked and gag each other and the dog.

Dec 4, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Looking for drinks and/or dinner!” – Chicago Craigslist, 12/04/2010

Age: Not Given
Category: Women Seeking Men

“I am looking to have some drinks, maybe dinner with a nice man! No expectations just good company! Get together and see what happens! “

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Awesome! You’re buying. I like steak and lobster. Buy me a nice meal and tell me I’m good looking and maybe I’ll kiss you goodnight, if you’re lucky. (Hey, if girls can work it like that, why can’t we?) 😉

Dec 4, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Any guys like crazy?” – Chicago Craigslist, 12/04/2010

Age: 24
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Title says it all. I have my normal moments, I am in grad school. But I’m a girl, and perhaps slight crazier than most. I have 2 cats, I like to stay in watching movies and playing xbox or wow, and I can be an emotional drunk. On the other hand I would like to explore the city (only moved here for school) and can be a very fun drunk at times. Also I’m overweight, bbw as they call it, but would like to get into an exercise routine to change that. Just been too lazy. So If that appeals to you, put Red vs. Blue in the subject (google it if you don’t get the reference) and please include a pic, I won’t send one first.”

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I’m fat, lazy, crazy and drunk. Come get me, tiger.

Dec 4, 2010
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“Let’s Make A Baby” – Orlando Craigslist, 12/04/2010

Age: 42
Category: Men Seeking Women

“Looking for a women who would like to have a baby. Only serious replies. Let’s exchange pictures and information. Very intelligent, financially secure and handsome male here with athletic build. “

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I’m very intelligent. I don’t want a baby, but I’ll seduce you with the idea of money and having a baby because I know you’re vulnerable and I want to cavalierly knock you up. When your kid grows up and asks about dad, you can tell him you spread your legs for cash, but you’re not a prostitute because the rich guy (or so he said) didn’t give you any. It will be a proud moment in that kid’s life.

Nov 30, 2010
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“if you aint bout games … Hit me up” – New York Craigslist, 11/30/2010

Age: 28
Category: Women Seeking Men

“hey am looking for a friendship n then maybe we could kick it to something else … I don’t nned no fake ass guys in my life .. So if you aint got nothing real in life or never been real to ure self don’t bother hitting me up.. Am a latina looking for a pr, dr, pr/blk or white male looking to get to kno me … So if interested for more info reply to dis posting … Hope to hear from ya …”

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As soon as I decipher this, maybe I’ll call you.

Nov 20, 2010
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“daddy” – Denver Craigslist, 11/20/2010

Age: 20
Category: Women Seeking Men

“Come love me”

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Nice ad. Watch out for that windowless Ford Club Wagon pulling into your driveway. WTF.

Nov 13, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Pickup Lines: Our Top Ten Favorites!” – eHarmony Advice Newsletter, November 2010

failed pickup line cartoonAge: 18 – 99
Category: Men Seeking Women, Women Seeking Men, Men Seeking Men, Women Seeking Women
Original Source: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=slideshows/view&slideshow=18

01. “WHO are you?”

02. “Excuse me, but you have something on your face.” (when she goes to wipe it, stop her and say “No, leave it. It’s beauty.”)

03. “How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!”

04. “I bet you were an awfully cute baby.”

05. “Nice to meet you. I’m (your name) and you’re beautiful.”

06. “Hi, who’s your friend?”

07. “Are you single?”

08. “What kind of dog is that?”

09. “Hi, I would love to get you a drink.”

10. “Hey, I love your shoes (or handbag or coat, etc.)”

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Seriously, THIS is the list of pickup lines that eHarmony is recommending? Who the hell is writing this advice, and how much are they paid? Because I will do the same job for the right salary, and I won’t be a freakin’ moron. Where didn’t they screw up the advice about effective pickup lines? I think the only one here that is even remotely worth using is the one about the girl’s dog, at least maybe you have a common interest in dogs there. The rest of these are a prescription for a guy getting himself blown off, and not the way he’s hoping, either.

01. “WHO are you? Because once you tell me, I plan to stake myself outside your apartment window at night with high-powered binoculars.”

02. “Excuse me, but I have something on my face. It’s called a nose, which I’m shoving so far up your poop chute to win your approval that I’ll resort to lines that are cheesier than four-cheese mac.”

03. “I’m an idiot who thinks he’s going to get somewhere with you by telling you jokes that a third grader would think was immature.”

04. “I bet you were an awfully cute baby. And yeah, that’s the reason I’m talking to you. Because you’re someone I don’t know AT ALL and I think you must have been a cute baby. Or I just don’t have anything worthwhile to talk to you about.”

05. “Hi. Nice to meet you. My name is (your name) and I’m desperate. I would like to start our interaction by putting you on a pedestal.”

06. “Hi. Who’s your friend? She’s WAY hotter than you. Rowwwrrr.”

07. “Are you single? Because, you know, unless I have a shot at sleeping with you I have no interest in anything you have to say.”

08. “I’m feigning interest in your beastly canine so you’ll talk to me.”

09. “Hi, I want to buy you things in exchange for sex, will you be my hooker?”

10. “Hey, I’m paying you compliments so you’ll sleep with me!”

Nov 11, 2010
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“holiday hell” – Chicago Craigslist, 11/11/2010

woman throwing drink on manAge: Not given
Category: Men Seeking Women

“Not looking to make love, I have that at home. What I don’t have at home is someone to fuck. Need someone to chill with, smoke a cigarette, drink a beer and watch a football game or just fuck. U know, kind of like when you get home from a long hard day at the office and you just feeling like doing it. Perhaps when you’re watching your favorite show or watch you work on your lap top in your heels and panties? And then enjoy a nice cup of coffee wrapped in a warm blanket, our bare bodies still warm from the hot sex…”

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Really, dude? You “make love” at home but you just want a girl to fuck on the side? Please describe the scene when you’re “making love” to your supposed-to-be-significant other. “I love you so much honey, it’s just that I can’t call you degrading names and spank you.” The really sad part is, you probably could…but you don’t talk to this woman you LOVE (riiiiiiiggghht) and don’t realize she’s probably starving for you to do something interesting sexually for the first time in your pathetic sex life.

Yeah, and women work on their computers in panties and heels all the time too, right? Moron. Well, I guess the ones you’re sending $100 for 10 minutes over PayPal are, so you can watch them on their webcams. Then they turn off their cameras, take a long hot shower to wash all the YOU off them, put on their sweats and watch 30 Rock.

If you got anywhere near these women for real, the only place that hot cup of coffee would be is in your lap or thrown into your eyes while they dialed 911.

Nov 10, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“I give you a no bs guarantee” – Chicago Craigslist, 11/10/2010

Age: 29
Category: Men Seeking Women

————————————————————————————
NOTE FROM YOUR FRIENDLY SITE ADMIN: I know this post is long, but I felt the need to include the original online dating ad in its entirety in order to fully demonstrate what an asshole this guy is. He also posted his picture. He’s an average-looking guy with a full beard and glasses; looks kind of like a slimmer, slightly better looking version of Zach Galifianakis (“Due Date,” “The Hangover”).
————————————————————————————

“Through my dealings with the fairer sex throughout my life, I have become completely disillusioned with females (all people really, but I’m not trying to date guys) and have now resorted to the internet in an effort to find one that I can at least tolerate for extended periods of time.

You want to know about me? I’ll tell you what I’m not.

1) I am not your father. I will not tolerate childish bullshit when you don’t get your way and I will not throw money at you to shut you up.

2) I am not your hobby. That’s why you have friends. This road goes both ways though, and you’re not expected to join me on any trips you don’t want to. I’ve got friends for that too.

3) I am not someone who puts the toilet seat down after I urinate. You’re a big girl now and if you can’t be bothered to so much as look at where you’re about to park your ass, you deserve the cold embrace of toilet water (and god help anyone around you on the road).

Here’s where we get to you. As a staunch rationalist, I realize you’re probably every bit as bitter with men as I am with your cunty compatriots, possibly having almost given up on us. My (admittedly weak) theory is you have not yet lost all hope but have simply turned to a less social lifestyle and are casually perusing the Craigslist personals just waiting for my ad to pop up so we can end our days in perpetual bliss or whatever storybook bullshit those cookie cutter girls get off on.

I am not an extremely picky guy. Being my dream girl is more a matter of the things you aren’t than the things you are.

My ideal woman

-when asked about her hobbies, has more to say than, “Like, you know, stuff,” or the always popular “shopping, hanging out, music, friends.”

-can think outside her own head and understand that while her wants and needs are her priority (and there’s nothing wrong with that), those around her have their own desires.

-takes care of herself to some degree. We can’t help certain aspects of our appearance, but if you don’t bathe regularly and have eaten yourself fat it demonstrates a fatal lack of respect for yourself that one would expect to bleed into other aspects of your behavior.

If you’ve read this much crap and are actually interested, we might just stand a chance. Send me an email that makes me think, laugh, or hope.

For the love of a God in which I don’t even believe, just someone show me you’re not all the same.”

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Sir, you are a douchebag. Let me count the ways.

1.) Hey dude, here’s a newsflash for you: Your outcomes are the result of your own behavior and choices. If you’re disappointed with your dating and relationship experiences with females – and it sounds like it is a pattern – guess what the one common denominator is? YOU, fuckwad.

2.) If you’re trying to make some sort of statement by telling her you’re not going to put the toilet seat down, you are. You’re saying “I’m the type of guy who would rather argue rights and virtues over stupid petty garbage than actually be a gentleman and do something painless that takes me an extra 3 seconds.”

3.) You are already the type of person who is disillusioned not only with women, but people in general. Yeah, women find that REAL attractive. Every girl wants to date “Don Rickles, The Sequel.” Moron. Actually, they’d probably rather date Don Rickles. He’s funny. And rich, and will die sooner than you.

4.) Call me crazy, but calling your potential date’s friends or even acquaintances “cunty compatriates” is probably not going to win hearts and minds. Or the object of your chosen adjective, for that matter.

5.) You sound like you need to get laid. Hopefully by a really offended and angry woman who fakes her way into your bedroom with false compliments and interest, then proceeds to tie you down, call you degrading names and invade your ass with a punishing, oversized dildo. But then again, you might like that, at least she wouldn’t be your typical girl, right?

6.) This is not related to any particular point of your ad, but your whole ad and most likely the rest of your life: YOU. ARE. AN. ASSWIPE.

Nov 4, 2010
OK Get Serious Admin

“Is your Boyfriend out of town?” – Chicago Craigslist, 11/04/2010

dating advice blog“My gf is out of town for about a week.

Shall we help one another scratch our itches?

We both need a bf/gf substitute for the next few days, we both know the deal…let’s do this thing without any drama and just have some fun with it!”

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No, seriously. I’ve done this before and my balls itch. Help me out here.

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